/ Travel & Leisure

Can you say it with a poem?

National Poetry Day 2016

National Poetry Day, an annual celebration of all things poetical, takes place on 6 October 2016. An initiative of the Forward Arts Foundation, a charity that celebrates excellence in poetry, we thought a poetic Convo long overdue. So guest poet Ian is here to kick things off…

This header is in rhyme, and a different style for each verse. We also include several current topics in Conversations, so take a peek and write your own verse; we’d love to see as many poetic contributions as possible.

As Father time winds on (in rhyme), I think it’s safe to say
It’s now October 6th, so welcome: Natin’al Poetry Day!
As Autumn comes and thoughts of tums filled up, with luscious treats
Beguile us all, yet scams a pall do cast, with things less sweet.

Oft times it feels as though we’re lost,
With mounting bills and endless costs,
But through it all the shining light
That’s Which? – assails the darkning night,
And lends a helping hand or two,
That really helps us all get through
Tumult’ous times, yet overall
The spirit that pervades the thrall
Of shopping, buying, fixing things,
Just starts to brighten. Slings
And arrows, Hamlet thought,
But thinking often comes to nought.

So in order to mark such a day
We’re hoping your posts might just say,
“What a wonderful season,
“It’s always so pleasin’
“To write, rhyme and read” – have your say!

Now’s the time to think in Rhyme
Especially in feet.
The Rhythm in each separate line’s
Quite crucial, don’t be meek!

Whatever takes your fancy, be it Christmas, treats or scams.
Don’t be afraid it might not work, for once don’t silence all the lambs.
Everybody’s voice on this is vital, so let fly
On Christmas, through the Payments Systems Regulator (by and by).

Over to you…


Congratulations Ian on your timely convo, 🙂
I will give it a toast with an amontillado,
Let’s hope this becomes an annual event,
Twill make a change from the usual dissent.

Verse can amuse,
Or make you snooze,
Whatever the weather,
Let’s have fun together.

The world is full of rotten scams
Ready to pounce on simple lambs
To the slaughter
And in deep water
They turn to Which?
To get them out of a hitch
With plenty of helpful words of wisdom
They might avoid becoming a victim.

There was a young man called Patrick
Who probably ain’t getting homesick
He’s flown lots of miles
To bring others his smiles
But he’ll be soon be back to Gatwick

There was a community called Convo
Where Patrick was sometimes a no show
It fills me with glee
When I get to see
Its members throw rhymes with such gusto

Wow alfa, I’m enjoying the rhymes,
That now, I think I’ll have some time,
To have a go at it myself,
And hopefully give a smile to yourselves.

Poetry isn’t something we’re normally used to in Which? Computing,
But perhaps it’s something we could think about, especially when member’s PC’s are rebooting,
Because it’s not the most exciting topic as some of you might say,
So it’d be great to troubleshoot computer problems in such an easier, friendly way. 🙂

A Joint Effort

Rolling into Tesco’s car park
John and Jean get organised.
How many bags today are needed?
No more trolleys – not surprised.
Take one off a finished shopper,
Steer it crooked through the entrance . . .
Inhale the waft of retail proper
As we start our one-hour sentence.
Knowing what we’ll eat tomorrow
We check our list for weekend victuals –
Pork, or beef, or lamb, or gammon?
[Avoid Campylobacter’s pitfalls]
And load the cart with fruit and veg.
John has seen new season’s Cox’s
Tries a grape and feels a peach.
Jean meanwhile’s admiring boxes :
Today’s temptations on display –
Discounts, price cuts, bogof offers.
Then household stuff goes in the trolley,
Bleach and toilet stain wipe-off’ers.
Moving on through beer and wine
We shortly reach well-earned parole.
We join the queue at Checkout 14
Run by orange-haired Carole.
Bags and Clubcard at the ready
We load our items on the belt
Off we race with one intention –
Get home before the ice-creams melt.

A humble contribution:

There once was a push-payment scammer,
A most devious hacker/programmer,
But a supercomplaint,
Means he once was but ain’t,
As he’s serving ten years in the slammer.

If you’ve been called by BT support
I hope you cut them really short
If you’ve been called by Microsoft support
I hope you gave them a rude retort
If you’ve been called by Windows support
Just swear at them as a last resort

The phone rings and to your dismay
A voice says how are you today?
You know what’s going to come next
It’s only what you’ve come to expect
A scam of one type or another
And you can only think oh! bother
Why won’t these people leave you alone
You no longer want to answer the phone

Woke up to my birthday its my 66th
Feelings of ageing are usually mixed
But my day for poetry came as a surprise
Feeling younger already despite my demise.

Too hoots and I’m thinking
Three I’m winking
Four I’m blinking
Five I might be sinking.

Poetry is not my medium
Writing novels a job of tedium
But now two will be films

Playing clarinet, cornet, mouth-organ, guitar, bagpipes,piano or sax
Exclude violin, drums, and all at home, no concerts, thus no musical tax
It helps me to unwind
What’s what I find.

So who’s reading this guttural collection?
A man, woman, child and a parrot’s no exception.
It would be interesting to hear
So the box I’ve ticked to disappear.

Here we go then:

Do you care to share
A thought or prayer?
Today we discuss
How banks test our trust.

But tomorrow we’ll try
To delve and pry,
As we debate and berate
The problems we hate.

Together we all write;
Convo champions the fight.


I wanted to write a poem
But there was nothing in my head
I just kept trying to think of one
But my brain had just gone dead ,

I just stared at the blank pages
Not knowing where to start
I just needed some insperation
To come from within my heart ,

I needed some new ideas
But where ? I just had to look
My mind had just gone blank
So i was’nt having much luck ,

I just wanted to write a poem
But what could it be about ?
My brain cells had a mental block
So my poem would’nt come out ,

Why does your brain shut off like that
It’s really annoying and unfair
maybe i need a cuppa and a bun
To help my brain cells to repair.

Three cheers for the magazine “Which,”
Set up to test and to pitch,
Product ‘gainst rival;
Their strength and survival,
And anything causing a glitch.

Three cheers to the magazine “Which”,
For having a moan and a b***h,
At practice unjust
And firms that lose trust,
Sewing customers up in a stitch.

Three boos for the purveyors of scams,
Who look out for innocent lambs.
May their schemes fail to gell,
May they end up in hell!
As the warder their prison door slams.

Ring, ring goes the telephone bell.
Another cold caller from hell.
P.P.I. or my glazing,
It’s simply amazing,
Who knows what they’re trying to sell?

(For those who wish to add, there’s also ditch, hitch. kitsch, rich & titch that goes with “Which.”!)

Those delicate people at “Which”,
Invented a profanity switch.
An eff or a p
Or even mild b
Triggers that rotten old snitch!

One last one before bed.

Oh “Which”, how doest thou, how doest thou?
Be of good cheer, be of good cheer.
Thy motives are of golden hue,
Thy mottos wise and mostly true,
Thy page where-on this wisdom lies
Decorated, rich with charts and pi’s.
Ist all in all a treasure trove (I was tempted to add something about Michael Gove but it didn’t fit.)
Gathered from many an elysian grove.

And, searchers seek the truth from those
Dress-ed up in gartered hose.
Malvolian in their wicked pride,
Devious schemes and scams to hide.
Peddling products which catch fire,
Promis-ed warranties that conspire
To pay naught unto the hapless folk
Who find their purchase sadly broke.
The jester who purports to vend
Insurance cover they never send.
The squire hiding cost of heat
So swains pay more to cook their meat.

Oh “Which”, thou doest defend us all,
You guide us in the shopping mall,
You challenge injustice through the courts,
You give us space to scribe our thoughts.
Oh “Which” I hear the cauldron pot.
Stir it well, it’s all we’ve got.


Dear John,
My thanks to you for kind applause
I think the same on reading yours.
Indeed the poems in this place
Would not a book of verse disgrace.
Thank you Ian for giving chances
For us to muse in rhythmic stances.
Such a change from dour debate,
There’s always so much on our plate.
Let’s lighten converse now and then
And to that I say, Amen.

My new fan oven
Grapes on the wooden counter

The most reasonable assumption so far
Is that birds consume masses of tar
Then at night
Upon twigs
Drink syrup of figs
The results can be seen on my car . . . . . . .

As it’s World Toilet Day……..

Wee Willie Winkie and Winnie the Pooh
Argued over the name for a loo
Pooh says it must begin with a P
Willie says W don’t you see

Hush!! Its driving me potty says Piglet
While Eeyore sighs it’s only a toilet
As Patrick wraps his hand round a tinny
Moans it ain’t funny, I need the dunny.

Kaa said stop iss giving me constipation
So old King Louie passed a motion
A throne is what I now augment
When one shakes hands with the president

Whatever you call it really doesn’t matter
Just be grateful to Thomas Crapper
And make sure to make its acquaintance
It’s only there for your convenience

Fantastic, Alfa.

I just read it out to Andy Pandy and Looby Loo and they’re doing cartwheels round the room [like puppies on a roll].

The UN says: “Take Action – Wherever you are and whatever you do on World Toilet Day, make it about toilets.”

I don’t know about anyone else but I wonder just what I’m supposed to make of this. When the UN passed a motion in 2013 to make Nov 19th “World toilet day” I wonder what they had in mind. I have not seen Hallmark capitalising on the greeting card market, no special offers from Victoria Plumb, but maybe like Valentines Day we have all this in store.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Today is the day,
For a trip to the loo