Can you say it with a poem?

There was a young man called Patrick
Who probably ain’t getting homesick
He’s flown lots of miles
To bring others his smiles
But he’ll be soon be back to Gatwick

A Joint Effort

Rolling into Tesco’s car park
John and Jean get organised.
How many bags today are needed?
No more trolleys – not surprised.
Take one off a finished shopper,
Steer it crooked through the entrance . . .
Inhale the waft of retail proper
As we start our one-hour sentence.
Knowing what we’ll eat tomorrow
We check our list for weekend victuals –
Pork, or beef, or lamb, or gammon?
[Avoid Campylobacter’s pitfalls]
And load the cart with fruit and veg.
John has seen new season’s Cox’s
Tries a grape and feels a peach.
Jean meanwhile’s admiring boxes :
Today’s temptations on display –
Discounts, price cuts, bogof offers.
Then household stuff goes in the trolley,
Bleach and toilet stain wipe-off’ers.
Moving on through beer and wine
We shortly reach well-earned parole.
We join the queue at Checkout 14
Run by orange-haired Carole.
Bags and Clubcard at the ready
We load our items on the belt
Off we race with one intention –
Get home before the ice-creams melt.

Three cheers for the magazine “Which,”
Set up to test and to pitch,
Product ‘gainst rival;
Their strength and survival,
And anything causing a glitch.

Three cheers to the magazine “Which”,
For having a moan and a b***h,
At practice unjust
And firms that lose trust,
Sewing customers up in a stitch.

Three boos for the purveyors of scams,
Who look out for innocent lambs.
May their schemes fail to gell,
May they end up in hell!
As the warder their prison door slams.

Ring, ring goes the telephone bell.
Another cold caller from hell.
P.P.I. or my glazing,
It’s simply amazing,
Who knows what they’re trying to sell?

(For those who wish to add, there’s also ditch, hitch. kitsch, rich & titch that goes with “Which.”!)

One last one before bed.

Oh “Which”, how doest thou, how doest thou?
Be of good cheer, be of good cheer.
Thy motives are of golden hue,
Thy mottos wise and mostly true,
Thy page where-on this wisdom lies
Decorated, rich with charts and pi’s.
Ist all in all a treasure trove (I was tempted to add something about Michael Gove but it didn’t fit.)
Gathered from many an elysian grove.

And, searchers seek the truth from those
Dress-ed up in gartered hose.
Malvolian in their wicked pride,
Devious schemes and scams to hide.
Peddling products which catch fire,
Promis-ed warranties that conspire
To pay naught unto the hapless folk
Who find their purchase sadly broke.
The jester who purports to vend
Insurance cover they never send.
The squire hiding cost of heat
So swains pay more to cook their meat.

Oh “Which”, thou doest defend us all,
You guide us in the shopping mall,
You challenge injustice through the courts,
You give us space to scribe our thoughts.
Oh “Which” I hear the cauldron pot.
Stir it well, it’s all we’ve got.

As it’s World Toilet Day……..

Wee Willie Winkie and Winnie the Pooh
Argued over the name for a loo
Pooh says it must begin with a P
Willie says W don’t you see

Hush!! Its driving me potty says Piglet
While Eeyore sighs it’s only a toilet
As Patrick wraps his hand round a tinny
Moans it ain’t funny, I need the dunny.

Kaa said stop iss giving me constipation
So old King Louie passed a motion
A throne is what I now augment
When one shakes hands with the president

Whatever you call it really doesn’t matter
Just be grateful to Thomas Crapper
And make sure to make its acquaintance
It’s only there for your convenience