Is Christmas-themed loo roll a step too far?

ROTFLMAO – another classic from Ian – thank you very much indeed sir.

You’re too kind, sir 🙂

Perhaps I shouldn’t state the obvious, but two things occur. Firstly they, who ever they are, wouldn’t make the stuff if we didn’t buy it. Secondly we don’t have to buy it, we can just feel aggrieved at the waste of resources and the fact that someone has taken the trouble to dream up and produce this tat.
Having got that out of the way, I, again, exhort Ian to visit his publisher and have duly marked him with another thumbs up. This leads me to tat of a different kind which is more difficult to escape from: Christmas sugar and slush, mostly from across the pond. Unfairly, perhaps, “I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas” began to assume tat status after our choir had sung it for the Nth time and in sheer desperation for my mental health I grabbed a pen and scribbled. Ian’s contribution has encouraged me to share them with you. I do feel purged and much, much happier now.

VARIATIONS ON A WHITE CHRISTMAS.

N.b. Being drunk at Christmas-or any other time- is not my idea of fun, but that verse was fun to do.
WHY?

The sun is shining the lenses gleam,
The actors and actresses play.
There’s never been such a day
At Warner Brothers L.A.
But it’s not December the 24th
And no one’s longing to go up North.

They’re screening up a White Christmas,
Just like the script says for the show.
Where mink coats glisten
And sound men listen
To cue the sleigh bells in the snow.
They’re beaming in this White Christmas
With every phoney smile on cue
May the stars croon sweetly and light
To make all their Christmases just right.

Coda.

That’s all for tonight!

CHRISTMAS SPIRITS?

The gin is shining the glass is clean,
The orange and vermouth tray,
There’s never been such display
In the down town studio -L.A.
But I’m only on lemon and port,
And I long for another short.

I’m scheming for a tight Christmas,
Just like the binges long ago.
Where beer froths glisten
And barmen listen
To take our orders as they flow.
I’m screaming for a tight Christmas,
With every festive drink I buy.
May our wines be merry and bright
And may all our Christmases be tight.

Coda.

Don’t drive home tonight.

A COMMERCIAL CHRISTMAS.

The shops are shining, the trees are green,
The santas and snow men play,
There’s never been such display
In Oxford Street today.
But it’s the money that makes me balk,
With salesmen full of their festive talk.

I’m steaming from a trite Christmas,
Unlike the ones we used to know,
With mince pies dishing
And good will wishing,
With children playing in the snow.
I’m dreaming of a bright Christmas,
With every tree bedecked with light.
May our shops for customers fight,
I’ll just keep my money out of sight.

Coda.

And my wallet tight.

TAKING THE OPPOSITE VIEW.

The pool is shining, the sun tans gleam,
The breeze makes my hammock sway.
There’s never been such a day
In the hotel at Sunset Bay.
But it’s December the 24th,
And they’re all shivering up north,

I’m beaming at this bright Christmas,
Warm sun and sea and breezes blow.
And the palm leaves glisten
As cicadas listen
To hear the birds sing high and low.
I’m gleaming from the sun this Christmas,
On every sandy beach in sight.
May the sun stay golden and bright
On this Christmas hotel package fight.

Coda.

To party all the night.

TAKING ANOTHER OPPOSITE VIEW.

The snow is falling, my ear lobes Freeze.
The wind makes me stagger and sway,
There’s never been such a day
For Santa and his reindeer sleigh.
Now it’s December the 24th,
And it couldn’t be worse up North.

I’m freezing From an iced Christmas,
With every snow flake in my hair.
My ear tips glisten and I can’t listen
To hear the snow chains skidding by.
I’m sneezing on this white Christmas,
With every snowball down my neck.
May the electric come back on tonight
And may all the snow melt From my sight.

Coda.

Please turn on the light.

A CHRISTIAN VIEW POINT.

The stable’s open, the star’s in sight
And Mary and Joseph pray.
There’s never been such a day
In Bethlehem Judae.
Now it’s December the 24th,
And Kings are travelling From the North.

Mary’s dreaming of a child this Christmas,
With every movement ‘neath her chest.
And the Angels listen with eyes that misten
For they know he’ll be above the rest.
Star light’s streaming with the news this Christmas,
To every shepherd in the field.
May they all gain blessing tonight,
And may they journey forth towards the light.

Coda.

Bethlehem’s in sight.

GLOBAL WARMING

The sun is shining, the brasses gleam
Santa and reindeer sway.
There’s never been such a sleigh
In Lapland near the bay.
But it’s December the 24th
And it’s too late to be up North.

Santa’s dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones when there was snow.
When the white flakes glistened and Rudolph listened,
To hear when it was time to go.
Santa’s praying for a snow white Christmas.
Just enough to make his sleigh take flight.
Now the ozone’s vanished from sight
And Santa’s grounded for the night.

Coda. No presents tonight.

A CHILD’S VIEW.

The lights are shining the tinsels gleam,
My stocking is furry and gay.
There’s never been such a day,
For me to run around and play.
But it’s December the 24th
And I must sleep or He’ll stay up North.

I’m dreaming of a bright Christmas,
Just like the one a year ago.
When Santa listened and presents glistened
And there were sleigh bells in the snow.
I’m dreaming of a trike this Christmas.
All red and shiny – set to go.
May our stockings be full up and tight
And I hope my brother doesn’t fight.

Coda. Party tonight!

SEASONS GREETINGS.

The sea is shining, the glass is clear,
The waves on the water sway.
There’s never been such a day
At chart setting 3 L.A.
But I remember the 24th.
Who could forget all those storms up North.

I’m dreaming of a wide isthmus,
Just like the one we used to row.
When boats all glistened and waters mistened
As paddles surged against the flow.
I’m steering for that wide isthmus,
With every sail to catch the blow.
May the winds keep steady and light,
So that land is always just in sight.

Coda. Fresh fish tonight.

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Nicely done, Vynor. But keep your powder dry: Mel is plotting something for later in December…

Duncan: I suspect it goes far deeper myself. Celebrating the half-way point of the darkest period in the Northern Hemisphere is probably almost genetic. The religions only came into it because they wanted a way of jumping onto the celebratory bandwagons, so they could ‘sell’ the idea of Christianity and add a good singsong and party into it. Interestingly, many of the most popular carols used to be pub drinking songs or dances in the 16th and 17th centuries. That’s why they’re so upbeat and cheerful.

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More like a misspent youth, Duncan. Not that I meant I was around at the time, you understand…

Vynor – excellent – thanks very much for sharing those!

I’ve just read through Vynor’s splendid contribution. If anyone else would like to have a go, remember that less is more. 🙂

Yep; you can almost smell the alcohol-fuelled break dancing when you hear Hark, the Herald…

I think you’ve covered it, Vynor. Brilliant composition.

I so enjoyed this. You captured the run-up perfectly!

I don’t know, Beryl. Smelly materials can be a problem for those of us with respiratory problems. I’m not in favour of using cinnamon or other natural materials for treating health problems. Plants contain many valuable drugs but the amounts can be highly variable, so it’s best to stick to conventional medicines that contain known amounts of the active component and are free from other materials that could be harmful.

I must have a look round the supermarkets and see what weird and wonderful christmas products are on offer.

I suppose I should have set the above to a Christmas carol tune, but I couldn’t think of one that fitted.
Unfortunately the metre is a bit inconsistent and the rhyming’s all over the place! A re-format might help, so here we go:

It is getting ever harder
To do the weekly big-shop
Now that all the crazy novelties,
And idiotic fancy goods,
Are filling all the shelves
And block the aisles.
As for scented loo rolls,
And mulled spice wipes and cleaners,
I think there is a problem
If the loo is stocked with those.
Our guests’ exclusive lavatory
Is near to the front entrance
So we like a fresh aroma
Of bleach and disinfectant,
But not too overpowering,
As we also have an orchid on the sill.
These overpriced accessories,
And superfluous accoutrements,
Would not be in existence
Without extreme austerity
So it’s time to blame the government yet again
( . . . as well as Big Business, of course.)
The purchasers can’t help it;
We buy these pungent products
As therapeutic proxies for our gloom.

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Dear John. I couldn’t resist the challenge. The paraphrase isn’t perfect (nor are the rhymes) but I hope I capture what you have so thoughtfully written with no ad-verse reaction from my unwarranted intervention.

It’s getting even harder
To fill the weekly larder,
Now the crazy novelties
And idiotic fancy jollities,
Are filling all the shelves
Blocking them from ourselves.
As for scented loo wipes,
And mulled wine spice-d cleaner types,
I think there is a problem
If the loo contains stocks of them.
Our guests exclusive wash place,
Is near our front entrance space,
So we like an aroma kind
Bleach or disinfectant combined
But not too overpowering
For our orchid, which could be flowering.
These over priced accessories
And superfluous unneccessaries,
Would not be in existence
Without extreme austerity persistence,
So it is time again to shame
And blame the government again,
(as well as big business, that’s plain.)
The purchasers can’t hide their cares.
We but these pungent bathroom wares
As therapeutic proxies for our gloom
Masking them with spray perfume.

Good point, Xander – Was it a bogof 241 offer?

And also on the subject of loo rolls, I have noticed when seated in idle contemplation that some loo rolls have a two-inch core while others manage with a one-inch core; other varieties are in between. It is impossible to see inside the packets to check the core size but obviously the bigger the core the fewer sheets available per roll. I know they have a number printed on the packets but if the manufacturers are also reducing the sheet size as in Xander’s example we are being diddled while attending to a vital function.

Etymologists would have real fun with the final sentence, John .

It was a 16 roll value pack, possibly produced to promote the “new and improved” product with its newly redesigned embossed pattern. No mention of the fact that one of the ‘improvements’ was a reduction in size.

Making the sheets shorter is a devious trick and I think Velvet Comfort should be ashamed of themselves. More like a 16-roll short-measure pack – the word ‘value’ in this instance is deceitful.

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Apparently the Romans used sponges – reusable. Perhaps we should do the same, although no doubt we could still discuss size.

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He was a worthy social reformer, Dickens.

Thanks for that reminder of the tale of young Cratchit, Duncan, whose ironical catchphrase was “God bless us, every one!”. His father Bob’s miserly employer, Ebenezer Scrooge, was to blame for the family’s impoverishment and destitute state and there were five other children to bring up on meagre wages so times were hard indeed. Suffering from rickets didn’t make it any easier either. The question you pose is – is this still recognisable in Britain today? Or is Ebenezer’s conversion eventually bearing fruit? Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

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Tesco are only offering it for sale over the week prior to Christmas Day but I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes unavailable, such is the risk to children. I wonder if the Tesco insurers know about it?

Us members of Mumsnet have the lowdown:
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2786991-Mulled-spice-bleach-Has-anyone-else-brought-this

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Er…it’s not actually the “celebration of Christ’s birth”, Murray. It’s far older than that and was a celebration called Saturnalia long before Christ arrived. Early Roman missionaries simply swiped the idea from that and called it Christmas. As an aside, they did it to increase revenue for the early Church and – purely by coincidence, I’m sure – increase their own earnings. Seems Xmas has always been about making profit .

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Advertising agencies are driven by the need to be rewarded for driving sales, and in a multi-racial and religious / secular society it makes eminent sense to avoid mention of any one specific brand of religion. It’s not PC – simply not good economics.

You can criticise any religion , Duncan. No one will lock you up for it. They might kill you, of course…

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Extreme religious intolerance that leads to the incitement or commission of hate crimes might be illegal but it is not against the law to criticise any particular religion. Representatives of the offended religion might have their own ways of dealing with the situation [viz. Salman Rushdie] but they must also abide by the law in this country should they seek revenge.

We went out to buy Christmas things today in Norwich and it is amazing how prominent religious images and evocations still are in many people’s celebration of Christmas. I would guess that broadly religious-themed Christmas cards represented approximately one third of the stock at the major independent department store, some of them highly devotional, and Nativity calendars and ornaments were also significant. I believe there is a healthy balance between religion and secularism.

As Ian says, commerce has to be agnostic but that is not because of political correctness. Hopefully, this time of the year brings out the best of thoughts in people of all faiths and none.

One thing has changed: I have found it difficult to find any cards featuring stagecoaches, lanterns, or candles this year. Penguins and polar bears seem to be the creatures of choice now but robins remain the leading bird. Included in our selection were some with a red telephone box in a snow-swept landscape; I think I got the idea from Which? Conversation which never stops discussing telephones and public services so they are foremost in my mind. Rampant consumerism as a Christmas image seems to have edged back in recent years, perhaps because people no longer stagger back from the shops under heaps of gift-wrapped boxes and parcels, and I saw no representations of family life absorbed in gadgets and devices so tradition still holds sway.