Is Christmas-themed loo roll a step too far?

The big mistake made by most people is to think of Christmas as a holiday. It isn’t. Enjoying yourself takes a lot of hard work, from the initial planning (starts c. January 2nd) to the christmas card list modifications (January 8th), to the present buying (June, July sales), then on to the serious business of calendar planning. Which Xmas meal to attend and where to go for that meal needs planning in September, then the Christmas card list second amendment, as you consider new friends, colleagues, parasites and relational afflictions that need either adding or removing from the list, needs to be completed.

That takes until around mid October, which is when the real fun starts. The trip to the local Nordman Fir growers is managed and the hike into the woods above the farm takes places to choose the exact tree that will look perfect in the lounge. This is the moment when you remember from experience that trees still growing in the ground actually look many times smaller than they will appear, once hacked down, netted up and carried back to the house for erection in the lounge. However, that doesn’t happen until Dec 1st, of course…

Then it’s on to the nine boxes of lights (I’m talking small shipping containers, here, not lights’ boxes, BTW) that will need to be brought in from the specially constructed Xmas lights and decorations wing you added to the house some years ago and the wonderfully exciting process of discovery begins, where you discover just which sets that were working perfectly the year before, now simply don’t function, repairing, testing, replacing and then it’s to the negotiation table for that all-important summit, where you discover just when and where you’re allowed to erect your illuminations, including that magnificent set of illuminated crowns, tiaras and orbs you got in the January Disney Frozen sale and a stern reminder to stop saying to Mrs. Lofthouse-Porter next door that she really must come and see your illuminated family jewels this year.

The schedule moves up a notch as December approaches. By this stage all the 132 sets of lights will have been erected across the house, although the outside ones haven’t yet been started, and SWMBO is sitting at the dining room table with a pen and the kitchen calendar, which she continues to use despite having an excellent iCal system, which would effortlessly warn her of impending relational visits, thus affording you time to book that urgent prostate examination or a short break to New Zealand. But there’s no escape, as her eye, with all the tenacity of a laser-guided Hellfire missile and similar forgiveness should you decide to bolt, fixes you and compels you, almost magically, to sit.

Finally, having complained for eleven months that it’s ’Not remotely Christmas’ she now requires your undivided attention as she considers which of her relatives, mostly descendants of the Borgias, bar the few thrown out of the Gestapo for cruelty, will be invited. The taste of ashes has never seemed so inviting.

Finally, pre-Christmas meals at least partially digested, the Speak your Weight scales now saying ‘One at a time., please’, the entrancing visits by various stalks of the family, most of whom you’ve avoided for the past eleven months now consigned to an alcoholic haze and the relentlessly ebullient Lions’ floats and piped carols long disappeared, it’s time to welcome that most magical of days – Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve is the only day of the year when, if it hasn’t been planned bought, wrapped, invited, labelled, executed, hung, drawn or quartered it isn’t going to be – at least, until next year. The house shines with the real meanings of Christmas – abundant sherry and lots of pretty lighting. It’s also tidy and clean – a state that will rapidly fade into mythology come Christmas day.

The big day dawns, and what happens then is dependent on whether you have children. Doesn’t matter what age, of course; all that changes is the time they get up and the type of presents they want. But whichever state pertains, the morning sees the once wonderfully adorned, beautifully wrapped, delightfully adorned heap of carefully placed presents that have been a feature of the room for almost a month, rapidly demolished, as fingers tear hungrily at wrapping paper, boxes opened, fingernails broken on the ‘easy open’ plastic wrap, clearly designed by ex-military security specialists and squeals or groans fill the air. Soon, the sound of drones terrorising Mrs Lofthouse-Porter’s ugly little Dachshund fill the air, while the smells of Christmas Turkey being cremated mix with the heady sounds of the doorbell as Uncle Schloss arrives, having got the date wrong.

Thank goodness for that sherry.

Cinnamon can provide some health benefits in small doses such as lowering blood sugar levels, (not recommended if taking diabetic medication) but taken in large quantities can cause liver damage. I am not sure how it would affect the lungs if breathed in, but Wavechange no doubt is better qualified to advise on that!

When it comes to buying Christmas loo rolls, I wouldn’t object to ones decorated with a few holly leaves, as long as the leaves were printed and not stuck on. Ouch!

It is getting ever harder to do the weekly big-shop now that all the crazy novelties, and idiotic fancy goods, are filling all the shelves and block the aisles. As for scented loo rolls, and mulled spiced wipes and cleaners, I think there is a problem if the loo is stocked with those. Our guests’ exclusive lavatory is near to the front entrance so we like a fresh aroma of bleach and disinfectant, but not too overpowering, as we also have an orchid on the sill. These overpriced accessories, and superfluous accoutrements, would not be in existence without extreme austerity so it’s time to blame the government yet again . . . as well as Big Business, of course. The purchasers can’t help it; we buy these pungent products as therapeutic proxies for our gloom.

Tiny Tim pressed his face against the frozen glass his breath melting the glaze of ice upon it. Inside he could see all sorts of Christmas joy and revelry , happy smiling faces , exchanging presents , drinking mulled wine , songs of joy and happiness were being sung , on the large table was an enormous turkey the biggest he had ever seen and round it all sorts of good Christmas food . On another table were large boxes of exquisite chocolates housed in beautiful boxes with ribbons round about them , his heart was lifted to see those joyous people celebrating as he shifted his position due to the pain from his crutch under his right arm and then ,with a heavy heart he moved his slight , undernourished frame away from that happy scene and made his way slowly back to his cold home looking forward to the slice of plain bread done in fat that would have to sustain him , slipping as he went in the snow ,not having the strength to progress quickly due to malnutrition his ribs sticking to his thin shirt that had been patched up to cover the holes , his feet frozen and covered with chilblains due to holes in his shoes covered with paper . God bless ye merry Gentlemen ! with apologies to Charles Dickens who for a time ,when young worked in those poor conditions and seeing the poverty wrote about it. Deja Vu -1834 now 2016 .

I’ve done a risk assessment – as one does. I suspect that children might want to sniff Tesco Mulled Spice Bleach. Anything that makes hazardous things more attractive to kids concerns me. At one time there were plug-in night lights in the shape of Santa Claus etc.

There are some essential oils available which will add a Christmassy aroma to your home, such as coniferous oils like Fir Needle and Scotch Pine, Frankincence and Myrrh, spicy Cinnamon and Nutmeg and woody oils like Cedarwood. I always keep a bowl of water on the shelf above the radiator in the lounge to moisten the air and when I have a cold or a blocked nose, I add a few drops of eucalyptus to the water. Works wonders and also helps with your breathing. I seem to be able to tolerate natural oils much better than artificial ones, and eucalyptus is used in quite a few health products.