Should parents be paying for their adult children?

I think Nick A has summed it up very well. I cannot think of a single reason not to help one’s offspring and others in the family if resources are available. It doesn’t necessarily have to be money. Practical and material help can be just as useful. From personal experience I know this can be challenging in some circumstances, especially if people are wanting some emotional response in return or feel uncomfortable propping up what they consider to be an uncongenial lifestyle, but anything other than unconditional support is likely to lead to greater tensions and anxieties in due course.

It would have been clearer if I had written “parents” instead of “people” in line 4 of my comment above.

It is surely for many not a question of what children expect, but of what parents choose to do. I don’t see family ties suddenly terminating when they reach a particular point in their lives, whether by age or independence. However, I am probably coloured by liking our children, seeing them as friends as well as offspring, and finding helping them a pleasure. As John intimates above, it may be money, emotional support, physical help, diy, lending a car…….

I believe one key aspect of family love is that there is no expectation of anything in return That should just happen, but may take many different forms. Why have children if you are not prepared to form a family unit and the support that entails?

I am not sure I understand that, Beryl. I think most people would be better off financially, and able to secure their long-term well-being, if they did not have children. But I agree with, Malcolm; having a family of three generations hopefully leads to an understanding of reciprocal support where possible but I don’t think one part should ever be conditional on another. Bringing up the younger generation is the opportunity to create the right responses at the relevant time; but we still need to make provision in case it doesn’t happen [like they all choose to emigrate to Australia].

I was wondering about the reasons people have children. If s*x is the driver, you can prevent the results. We don’t need to produce any more simply to populate the Earth. If they are to continue our genes, would we not like to keep the family bond to both protect the legacy and see how they develop? But I must admit, I had not considered the purely mercenary option of providing us with a pension; I think it would be cheaper not to have them in the first place but to save up all the money they would otherwise have cost.

This comment was removed at the request of the user

“Why do people choose to have children?”. A question debated long and hard by almost every Child Protection specialist. In our case my wife’s propensity for becoming pregnant (seemingly whenever I sneezed) dovetailed nicely into the simple fact that we both wanted a family. Thirty years on and our two both hold senior positions in Engineering and Psychological research. We both enjoy being with them, whenever they arrive and we’re glad to be part of their lives.

Yes – we have helped them out a lot and are more than happy to do so in the future. We all went on holiday together last year and had a great time. Sadly, that’s not, it seems, a typical family, however.

Some monozygotic twins are effectively clones, although epigenetic differences can increase as they become older .

And I started off feeing quite positive today…

Yes, I’m sorry, Ian. I was getting a bit depressed by the emerging attitudes towards helping one’s grown-up offspring so I decided to put forward the positive points. I desisted to mention plague, pestilence, earthquakes, coastal erosion, bombing, hair loss, and other calamities that give parents golden opportunities to support their adult children uncomplainingly in their time of need.

And plague’s not covered by household insurance, either…

There is no reason, in my opinion, why adult children should not reciprocate in times of need, but the question is more about whether parents should assist their offspring at difficult times. I happen to think they should do so, unconditionally, without any resistance or resentment, and without any expectation of any reward. Judiciously it might be best to wait until asked for help, but then give it generously.

This comment was removed at the request of the user

Sophie – By the time they have older kids the parents have already passed on their genes; the additional value of helping their offspring in difficult times is to civilise them in the hope that it might be reflected in their grandchildren’s attitudes and behaviour. So it is a form of genetic inheritance but at a second generational level with the inclusion of an additional gene stream from the second first-generation parent. [I hope that makes sense]

Translating Duncan’s point into human life, idealistically the mother’s new partner would treat the step-children as if they were his own, and vice versa, but realistically there are boundaries in our expectations. Adult children can probably anticipate and accept that but care needs to be exercised with step grand-children.

Which brings me to the point that, for many parents, it is concern for their grandchildren’s welfare rather than for their adult children’s that prompts their financial or other help and that, were it not for the grandchildren, their assistance might be much more limited.

This comment was removed at the request of the user

There is a limit to what more you can give, Rose, financially, practically, and emotionally, without detrimentally affecting your own well-being. You might now have reached that point and could justifiably withdraw support. You could lose contact with your daughter due to her alienation and estrangement but that would not be due to any lack of compassion on your part so you should not reproach yourself. Try not to give in to emotional blackmail. I think the extent of your attachment to your grandchildren could be the complicating factor but if two are already ‘outside’ the family unit and you are already looking after the eldest that can be rationalised leaving only the situation between you and your daughter. She has no right to pull your life down into the vortex that she has made of her own. It sounds as though you have very little sympathy for your daughter so a clean break might be the best solution. There will be consequences, and possible psychiatric problems, but if you and her ex-husband are protecting her children you can have a clear conscience. Taking continuing responsibility for your eldest grandchild is a considerable and demanding contribution in itself which should assuage any bad feelings you might have over such a step.