Do you have the confidence to arrange care for older relatives?

We needed to arrange home care visits for my mother and contacted a number of local agencies.
None seemed particularly impressive so we chose on the basis of the individual carer we would be allocated, she seems a mature and competent person.

And so she turned out to be, except we did not have her for long as she was substituted by an ok but not so good person. Then my mother started getting new carers on a regular basis as the company was “suffering high staff turnover”. Very unsatisfactory.

I had the fun and games of having 3 parents needing to go into a home. since 2011 my father who desperately needed care but was being looked after by mum who was struggling to cope with dementia and later found breast cancer 2 days after he died of untreated cancer too was in the end out in bupa home by the social, but it took alot of screaming at doctors surgery and oin phone to social to make them get their fingers out as neither wanted responsibity. Then 2 days after he died , me getting the phone call gone midnight saying your father has died you need to remove his boidy now. I had no idea about funeral arrangements and told i had yet to do anything, i was told you knew he was dying and should have seen to it. no word of sorry. i had to go on computer find a funeral firm and wake the man up to ask if he could help me. 2 days later mum saying she had bad night i was talking to her and her nightie slipped exposing a large breast cancer that was open and with mrsa in it. Got her sorted out wit my doctor and later moved nearer to me, but the dementia was getting worse and the shelter warden was determine mum could not stay there to the point of harrassment, We were then forced to put her in a home 26 miles away as being the only area that social had homes and mums 2 pensions not enough to pay her care. thankfully she seems contented. Then mother in law was getting to alarm happy calling out doctors and ambulances often and then into hospital so we knew we had to get her in a home too. Went into nursing home temporary and hated it and was determine to not settle, got her moved into a care home and she she still put up a fight saying she was capable to look after her self and we were told by the doctor if we did not sort the situation they would do it legally as not suitable to go back to her own home. we were then presented with options of her buying about £80,000 care package that would last her remaining years but she was already 93 so we decided we would rather try to do up her home and put it put to rental to earn money and protect the property. thankfully it has been the right decision as she died 4 months later. I went from knowing little to coming a lot wiser in a short time. using the www to read up on homes, inspection reports etc; It is a hard journey to travel and all the stress was brought home to me and my own breast cancer with many operations since last year. one thing we have come to the conclusion on is that you need to rely on your instinct, we noticed that where my 92 year old mum is there is lots of staff around and kindly, but the homes mother in law was in seemed to have staff who were never around that much or did not have time. I suppose until a decent wage is paid for staff then there will always be staffing problems, after all why would most people want to do a 12 hour shift for basic wages.

My mother in law is 95years old ,and my husband and myself always said that we would keep her in her own home, well things don’t always workout the way you plan,she had to go into care last year but we had great service from the assessment doctor ,we were given a nurse two social workers who helped us through the whole process step by step they visited my husband and myself at our house many times and they were only a phone call away,they also helped us pick a home that was right for my mother in law and they visited her for a few months to see her settled in ,I can’t fault the service that we have in East Lothian but I hear that it is not the same for everyone, and that is a shame as we know what a stressful time this is for a family members.

Three years ago my father died. In the six months before he died, I had power of attorney. He was unable to look after himself but refused to go into hospital. He agreed to go to Rehab but was hospitalised after this, after spending some time in a nursing home. I fought for NHS Continuing care, both before and after his death. I was stone walled at every attempt to obtain this. I was successful 3 months after his death but it was a pyrhic victory.

My in-laws are in desperate need of care, but will not accept any help. Mother in – law has not left the house in over a year and now sits, sleeps, goes to the toilet ,( now incontinent) in one room of the house. She is no longer able to walk and refuses to use mobility aides which have been provided. Father in law has been caring for her, cooking, cleaning, washing etc, but no longer has the strength to manage. We are called out to pick her up when she falls or cannot be lifted off the commode ( now located in the living room). She has been taken to A&E after one particular fall, but was later discharged. We only found out by accident that she had been to A&E. The GP did a follow-up call and arranged for occupational health to visit for an assessment- an appointment which subsequently cancelled. She just sits in the chair and bullies people and shouts that she just wants die! We have suggested that home care be put into place to help alleviate some of the pressure, this has been refused. At what point, as children can we intervene?

I don’t know what social care you have in England ??but in Scotland in the area I live in the Social services are great !!if there is no compromise with the elderly person they will bring in two doctors that are only for the elderly !! see what is best for the elderly person and for the family as a whole!!!it may take time but if the doctors think there is no compromise they with Social Service will take over what is best for the elderly person if it is care at home or in care they will decide!!! My husband and I had two social workers for us and they were great!!!they were only a phone call away!!my husband had a stroke and that was all taken in to account don’t!!!!be afraid to ask for help!!!and don’t let them put you of if you are at all concerned !!!hope this helps!!!